Dunno why, for a few days now I have been unable to bestir myself into writing something of substance. Especially, when I see how dedicated some of you are and how expressive to boot, I hang my head in shame. There’s nothing else I can do, there’s no problem anywhere keeping me from posting more often or better stuff, it’s just a state I find myself in. Till I get over it (dunno when, since from February I will be away on a sabbatical and that’s just a fortnight away), let me make do with some jokes (none of them my own, alas):

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My broker called me this morning and said, "Remember that  

stock we bought and I said you'd be able to retire at age  

65?"  

"Yes, I remember," I said.  

"Well," my broker continued, "your retirement age is now  

108."

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They’re perfect for each other. She’s a proctologist and he’s  

an asshole.

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Stevie Wonder is playing his first gig in Tokyo and the place  

is absolutely packed to the rafters. In a bid to break the  

ice with his new audience, He asks if anyone would like him  

to play a request.  

A little old Japanese man jumps out of his seat in the first  

row and shouts at the top of his voice "Play a Jazz chord!  

Play a jazz chord!"  

Amazed that this guy knows about the jazz influences in  

Stevie's varied career, the blind impresario starts to play an  

E minor scale and then goes into a difficult jazz melody for  

about 10 minutes.  

When he finishes the whole place goes wild. The little old man  

jumps up again and shouts "No, no, play a Jazz chord, play a  

Jazz chord."  

A bit irritated by this, Stevie, being  the professional that  

he is, dives straight into a jazz improvisation with his band  

around the B flat minor chord and really tears the place apart.  

The crowd goes wild with this impromptu show of his technical  

expertise.The little old man jumps up again. "No, no. Play a  

Jazz chord, play a jazz chord!"  

Well now truly irritated that this little guy doesn't seem to  

appreciate his playing ability. Stevie says to him from the  

stage "OK, mister, you get up here and do it!"  

The little old man climbs up onto the stage, takes hold of the  

mike and starts to sing... "A jazz chord to say I ruv you..."

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A man goes to the doctor with a swollen leg. After a careful  

examination, the doctor gives the man a pill big enough to  

choke a horse.  

"I'll be right back with some water," the doctor tells him.  

The doctor has been gone a while and the man loses patience.  

He hobbles out to the drinking fountain, forces the pill down  

his throat and gobbles down water until the pill clears his  

throat. He hobbles back into the examining room.  

The doctor comes back with a bucket of warm water. "Ok, after  

the tablet dissolves, soak that leg for at least 30 minutes."

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One day a mother took her 6-year-old son with her to visit  

a friend at work. Everyone there knew her, and she was  

offered a cup of coffee. That day, as one of the employees  

went to make more coffee, her son followed her and asked,   

"What are you doing?"  

"I'm making your mom's favorite drink," she answered.  

Imagine the woman's shock when she heard her son say, "Wow!  

You know how to make beer?"

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A woman goes into a sporting goods store to buy a rifle.  

"It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.  

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.  

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm  

going to shoot him!"

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A man was placed in intensive care, needles stuck everywhere,  

tubes running over his disease-ridden body like a spider's web,  

nearly comatose. A week later, a second man was put in the same  

room in very nearly the same condition.  

Both men lay there, near death, machines pinging, oxygen tubes  

puffing, monitors ding-donging, lights flashing. After a few  

days, one of the men summoned the strength to weakly raise his  

hand and catch the other man's attention. He pointed to himself  

and wheezed out, "Jim...........my."  

The other man weakly pointed to himself and said, "Paddy."  

This act tired them both out so badly it was another day or two  

before they had the strength to try again. The first man weakly  

pointed to himself and murmured in almost inaudible tones,  

"Scottish."  

The second man replied, "Irish."  

Again the fatigue set in and they both fell fast asleep. In  

another couple of days they were at it again.  

Jim took several deep breaths, then summoned up the strength to  

cough out, "Glasgow."  

Paddy whispered back, "Dublin."  

This time they were both a little stronger and could continue.  

"Cancer", said Jim.  

"...Sagittarius," replied Paddy.