A three-year-old boy was examining his pee pee while taking a  

bath. "Mama," he asked, "are these my brains?"  

Mama smiled and answered, "Not yet." 

*****

A woman confided to her girlfriend, "My ex-husband wants to  

marry me again."  

The friend said, "How flattering."  

The woman replied, "Not really. I think he's after the money  

I married him for." 

*****

Mensa is an organization whose members have an IQ of 140  

or higher. A few years ago, there was a Mensa Convention  

in San Francisco, and several members lunched at a local  

cafe.  

While dining, they discovered that their saltshaker con-  

tained pepper and their pepper shaker was full of salt.  

How could they swap the contents of the bottles without  

spilling, and using only the implements at hand? Clearly  

this was a job for Mensa! The group debated and presented  

ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution in-  

volving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They  

called the waitress over to dazzle her with their solution.  

"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the  

pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker..."  

"Oh," the waitress interrupted. "Sorry about that." She  

Stuck in a strange city by bad weather, the drinker was bored.  

He sat in the bar and looking to strike up a conversation,  

turned to bartender and said, "Hey, about those Democrats in  

the Congress . . "  

"Stop -- I *don't* permit talk about politics in my bar!"  

interrupted the bartender.  

A few minutes later the gent tried again, "People say about  

the Pope ... "  

"No religion talk, either," the bartender cut in.  

One more try to break the boredom..." I thought the  

Yankees would..."  

"No sports talk...That's how fights start in bars." the barman said. 

"Look, how about sex. Can I talk to you about sex?"

"Sure."  

"Good. Go fuck yourself." 

*****

A guy goes to visit a newly divorced friend. He says, "Why is  

there a tampon on top of your TV?"  

His friend says, "It’s there to remind me of the cunt who took  

my VCR."

*****

What's the definition of an impotent loser? 

A guy who can't even get his hopes up.

*****

MOTHERS FROM HISTORY  

COLUMBUS'S MOTHER: "I don't care what you've discovered, you  

still could have written!"  

MICHELANGELO'S MOTHER: "Can't you paint on walls like other  

children? Do you have any idea how hard it is to get that stuff  

off the ceiling?"  

NAPOLEON'S MOTHER: "All right, if you aren't hiding your report  

card inside your jacket, take your hand out of there and show  

me."  

ABRAHAM LINCOLN'S MOTHER: "Again with the stovepipe hat? Can't  

you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"  

MARY'S MOTHER: "I'm not upset that your lamb followed you to  

school, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than  

you."  

ALBERT EINSTEIN'S MOTHER: "But it's your senior picture. Can't  

you do something about your hair? OY! Styling gel, mousse,  

something...?"  

GEORGE WASHINGTON'S MOTHER: "The next time I catch you throwing  

money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye!"  

THOMAS EDISON'S MOTHER: "Of course I'm proud that you invented  

the electric light bulb. Now turn it off and get to bed!"  

PAUL REVERE'S MOTHER: "I don't care where you think you have to  

go, young man, midnight is past your curfew." 

*****

A waitress became violently ill while at work and was rushed by  

ambulance to the emergency room. In typical hospital fashion,  

she was placed on an examining table and then all but ignored  

for the next half-hour.  

Finally, she noticed a doctor out in the hall and yelled,  

"Please help me!"  

"Sorry," he replied, "it's not my table."

*****

In our morning meeting someone mentioned that Debbie, one of  

our former college interns, called to say hello to everyone.  

That statement was met with a chorus of, "Oh, how sweet." And  

"She was so nice." But Lewis was having a hard time  

remembering who she was.

"What did she look like?" he asked the room.  

"She had beautiful, curly brown hair," Freebie Fanny said.  

"So do a lot of people," replied a stumped Lewis.  

"She was always smiling and energetic," Carmen offered.  

"Nope, Doesn't ring any bells." said Lewis.  

"She had the cutest little mole above her lip," someone said.  

I could see Lewis was still stumped. "Nope..." he said.  

Wanting to end this line of inquiry I said, "She was the one  

with the huge tits."  

Lewis' face lit up. "Oh! Debbie..."

*****

A man asked his wife what she'd like for her birthday.  

"I'd love to be six again," she replied.  

On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early  

and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her  

on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop,  

the Wall of Fear -everything there was!  

Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head  

reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they  

went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra  

fries and a refreshing chocolate shake.  

Then it was off to a movie - a nice Pipi Longstocking remake,  

and hotdogs, popcorn, soda pop and candy. What a fabulous  

adventure! Finally she wobbled home with her husband and  

collapsed into bed.  

He leaned  over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it  

like being six again?"  

She half opened one eye. "...I meant my dress size."